"To avoid a lawsuit, before starting this diet you should check with your doctor. But I'm not going to. Yay!"
77 steps to a better life
Step 01. Don't touch, pick, buy, or eat mushrooms.
Do not order food in restaurants that contain mushrooms. Most veggie burgers contain them, so beware. After successfully completing Step 01 for 24 hours, proceed to Step 02. Keep track of your daily weight as you proceed.
Step 02. Don't buy margarine. Buy butter.
Don't keep margarine in your house. Prepare your meals at home using butter and not margarine. Use it wisely. This step also includes Step 01. After successfully completing Step 02 for a day, proceed to Step 03.
Step 03. Don't eat pork. Never touch a dead pig.
Say goodbye to ham, bacon, sausage, prosciutto, chorizo, fried pork rinds, and hot dogs. All-beef varieties of hot dogs and sausage are okay. Beef bacon can be found in some grocery stores and tastes the same, and is an excellent substitute. Wild boar is the same as a pig, so don't eat that either. This step also includes Steps 01 and 02. After successfully completing Step 03 for 24 hours, proceed to Step 04 the next day. If you fail on any step, start over the next day on Step 01.
Step 04. Don't buy or drink beer brewed in a foreign country.
Not much is made in the USA anymore....but beer still is. Yay! This step also includes Steps 01 thru 03. After successfully completing Step 04 for 24 hours, proceed to Step 05 the next day. If you fail on any step, start over the next day on Step 01.
Step 05. Eat vegetarian on Wednesdays. Dairy and eggs okay.
Omit fish, poultry and meat from your diet on Wednesdays. Not sure how to do that? Try huevos rancheros or spaghetti with marinara sauce, or a fried egg sandwich. This step also includes Steps 01 thru 04. After successfully completing Step 05 on a Wednesday, proceed to Step 06. If you fail on any step, start over the next day on Step 01.
Step 06. Don't sleep with bare feet. Wear socks.
This step also includes Steps 01 thru 05. After successfully completing Step 06, proceed to Step 07 the next day. If you fail on any step, start over the next day on Step 01.
Step 07. Watch The Big Lebowski.
When you reach this step you must watch the movie regardless of how many times you have seen it before. The film, noted for its idiosyncratic characters, surreal dream sequences, unconventional dialogue, and eclectic soundtrack, has become a cult favorite and has been called "the first cult film of the Internet era." The film's devoted fans have spawned Lebowski Fest, an annual festival that started in Louisville, Kentucky in 2002 and has since expanded to several other cities. Keep practicing the previous steps until you are able to watch it. This step also includes Steps 01 thru 06. After successfully completing Step 07, proceed to Step 08 the next day. If you fail on any step, start over the next day on Step 01 and when you get to Step 07 you don't have to watch the movie all over again.
Dear Mongo: At the breakfast buffet, I intentionally passed by the ham, bacon and sausage. It was hard to do. Afterwards I found a $20 bill in the glove compartment of my car. Wow ! Mongo: Cool !
Dear Mongo: I've had a peanut buster parfait at Dairy Queen every day since I started this diet, and I've gained 5 pounds. I assume they won't be allowed soon. Mongo: Those are are awesome. Of course those are allowed. You might want to limit yourself to one per week, however.
Dear Mongo: I was a vegetarian for the first time in my life last Wednesday. Do I have to join Peta ? Mongo: No.
