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the mongoland polygamist cult
mongo: "yee haw !"


mongo and his five wives

meet mongo and his five wives


Mongo: "I prefer polygamy and here's why:"

1. All my wives are bipolar. It's like having two wives for the price of one.

2. We obey all local and national laws, so we don't get busted. All of my wives are 18 years old. They get kicked out of the cult as they age.....on their 19th birthday. "Yee haw !"

3. We don't really get married. That way everything is legal. Duh ! When will the rest of the polygamist cults figure that out !

4. When inside the home, all my wives must wear the required uniform.....a thong from Fredericks. "Oh yeah baby !"

5. No children allowed. No screaming little brats cluttering up the place. Pregnancy is not an issue.

6. First I tried bigamy. That was kinda cool, but nothing like polygamy. "Yee haw !"


leg of lamb a la mongo.
the secret recipe.


I thought I would share with you my secret recipe for leg of lamb a la mongo. The reason it is a secret, is that even I don't know what it is; I have never cooked a leg of lamb before. I have a Betty Crocker cookbook, but I am not going to open it. Instead, I will make up my own recipe, and share it with you, and will try to include pictures whenever possible. You may want to serve this dish to your family and friends. Lamb is kinda biblical. Isn't it.

Step 1: Preparing The Kitchen


mongo's kitchen

Mongo's kitchen


Now, if you're planning on cooking something, it is always a good idea to obtain some counter space in your kitchen first. This may or may not require putting some things away, throwing things into the trash, removing things from the floor so that you can easily move around, taking out the garbage, wiping off the counters and removing any mushrooms that may be growing from it. However, cleaning up is not required if you are just heating up a tv dinner. If you will be handling raw meat, clean up first. Allow yourself several days to complete this job if necessary.


Step 2: Purchase The Ingredients


ingredients for leg of lamb a la mongo

Ingredients for leg of lamb a la mongo


I found myself in Ray's grocery store in Bandon, knowing they had a good selection of lamb legs, both fresh and frozen. They had frozen legs from Australia, and fresh local legs. Knowing it might take several days to 'prepare my kitchen', I opted for a frozen leg of lamb from Australia. Those Aussies aren't good for much, but they excel at raising sheep. I figured it would take two or three days to thaw inside my fridge.


Looking for mint jelly, Ray's didn't have any. That's when I spotted the gooseberry jam. Since I would be driving right by Misty Meadows later that day, I decided to buy some of their gooseberry jam, and perhaps some other cool stuff. That's where I found green olives stuffed with pepper jack cheese.


Not knowing the ingredients for my recipe while I was shopping for them was quite a challenge! I shopped at many stores, local and distant, before realizing I was done. Sheepherder's bread is a must if you're eating lamb. Duh! Mashed potatoes already cooked and ready to eat is a must if you're lazy like me. Just nuke some on a paper plate, and there are no dishes to wash. The disposable aluminum roaster pan is required because after cooking the lamb, you just throw it away, instead of leaving it on your counter top for several weeks before washing it. Since I'm not looking at my cookbook, I don't know how long to cook the lamb, or at what temperature, so I bought a meat thermometer. Therefore I will know when it is cooked and the temperature and length of time is unimportant.


Kumquats caught my eye. Not sure why I bought them, but I can't wait to be the first person in the history of the earth to cook a leg of lamb with gooseberries and kumquats. Garlic. A white onion. I thought I might already have salt and pepper at home, and I was right ! I did not need to purchase those two items. Irish butter caught my eye, so in the shopping cart it went. Little tomatoes still on the vine looked wonderfully ripe and perfect. Washed-and-ready asparagus tips looked like the perfect thing for a lazy slob like me. Asparagus will be the only thing cooked in something I will need to wash afterwards. I will fry them as you will see later, and that frying pan will then have an opportunity to sit on my counter top for weeks on end begging to be cleaned. Those brown pods that look like poops, are called tamarind. I remember seeing a movie years ago called The Tamarind Seed so I bought them out of curiosity. Perhaps they will become part of my recipe, and perhaps they won't. We'll have to wait and see.


Required List Of Ingredients

leg of lamb
gooseberry jam
kumquats
white onion
garlic
butter
salt
pepper
tomatoes
sheepherder's bread
meat thermometer


Optional Ingredients

disposable roasting pan
asparagus
mashed potatoes
green olives stuffed with pepper jack cheese
tamarind


Step 3: Preparing The Dining Room


mongo's dining room

Mongo's dining room


Since this is going to be a special meal, it would be nice to sit at the dining room table to eat it. Sitting on the couch, or on the bed, or on the floor, and eating leg of lamb while watching tv is not recommended. Spilling gooseberry/kumquat sauce on the floor, or on your sheets might require work to clean up. In some households the dining room table has a tendency to become a recycling center. I enjoy keeping the charger for my electric drill on the table, so that I always know where it is. For this meal, someone will have to get off their lazy ass and put things away.


Step 4: Eliminate Distractions


When I start on a project, I don't like to be interrupted. On those rare occasions when I cook, I prefer to have the kitchen all to myself. I fed Muffy two hours early to keep him out of the kitchen.


It takes less than an hour from the time you begin until the leg of lamb is in the oven. Once you get started, for that one precious hour do not answer the phone. If the doorbell rings, ignore it. You might consider disconnecting the wires from your doorbell like I did. There's nothing worse than being disturbed by a big dong.


mongo's door bell

Mongo's door bell


I cooked the leg of lamb. Then I ate the leg of lamb. It is so wonderful, you will want to claim this recipe as your own. It will become a family heirloom, handed down through the generations. If you are a vegetarian, you will want to stop being one for one day. It is that good.


Step 5: Prepare The Mongosauce


Inside my cupboard I found a miniature $10 food processor that someone once gave to me as a gift. I had forgotten all about it, and I don't think I have ever used it until now. Am I glad I stumbled across it unexpectedly. If you don't have one, use a blender. Important note to men: a blender is a device oftentimes found in your kitchen used for making margaritas. If you don't have a processor or a blender, use a knife and cutting board and chop them up very fine.


I peeled three of the largest cloves from that clump of garlic, (use more cloves of garlic if they aren't very large) and threw them in the processor along with 1/3 of that large white onion. Then I turned it on for a few seconds before realizing the contents now resembled cream of wheat. I fried the onion-garlic-'mush' in a frying pan that had about 3 tablespoons of butter in it. Important note to men: 3 tablespoons is about the same quantity as 1/12 of a Coors. It took a while to fry the 'pudding' and when it finally started turning golden brown I removed the pan from the heat.


choppen onion and garlic

Chopped onion and garlic.


making the sauce

Making the sauce.


Into your food processor or blender add 5 whole kumquats and 3 of those larger sized cherry tomatoes. If your cherry tomatoes are the normal size, use 5 of them. If you are using a knife and cutting board, chop them up into very small pieces. After pulverizing them into tiny chunks, remove any of the larger kumquat seeds that didn't get chopped. Don't worry about small chunks of kumquat seeds. Leave them in there.


Dump the contents of one large jar, or two small jars of gooseberry jam into a mixing bowl. Add the kumquat / tomato mixture. Add almost all of the garlic / onion mixture, but leave a little in the frying pan for later when you cook the asparagus in that same unwashed pan. Stir it all together, and place it in the refrigerator. You will be tempted to taste the magic sauce. Don't.


Step 6: Trimming The Fat


before trimming the fat

Before trimming the fat.


You're gonna be handling raw meat with your hands. Wash them, especially afterwards. Make sure your countertop and cutting board are clean before and after. Tapeworms kinda suck; and I am not going to tell you my tapeworm joke.


Trim off as much excess fat as you can. Using a good sharp knife really helps here. I used a cheapo steak knife for most of the job, and finally switched to a good sharp knife, and what a difference that made.


after trimming the fat

After trimming the fat.


Rub down the trimmed leg of lamb with salt and pepper. Determine the topside that will facing up while baking, and cut about seven slits into the meat, about 2 inches long and 2 inches deep. Sprinkle pepper into each slit. Remove the gooseberry mixture from the refrigerator and put about 1/3 of it in a serving dish for later. Fill each slit with gooseberry mix.


It's now time to preheat your oven. I chose 325 degrees. Important note to men: an oven is that thing in your kitchen with a door on it, and little dials and stuff. It's that thing you always wondered what it was. While the oven is heating up, place your lamb leg in the roasting pan, on some little rack to keep it from touching the bottom while it is cooking. I was amazed when I found a little rack in my cupboards cuz I have no idea how it got there. Insert the meat thermometer so that the tip is a little over half way into the meat, and so that you will be able to read the temperature when you open the oven door.


Spread the remaining gooseberry mixture over the top and sides of the lamb; it will become a crust while cooking. The stuff on the sides will drip off into the pan, and that's okay. Into the oven it goes, making sure the meat thermometer is visible.


Now clean off anything and everything that touched the raw meat, including your hands. No sense infecting yourself and your girlfriend with a tapeworm.


God: "Mongo, I think you better tell them the tapeworm joke."


Step 7: The Next Three Hours


I decided to cook the leg of lamb until the meat thermometer registered 180 degrees. After 2 hours it was 140. It took 3 hours. While it was cooking I decided to act normally, you know, watch tv, blob out, and basically do absolutely nothing. Oh yeah, I ran to the store and bought two bottles of red wine. Looking for Oregon wines, I was amazed when I found my hand reaching for wines I normally wouldn't purchase: from California and from France. My 'free will' had momentarily disappeared. I started "tasting" the wine while the lamb was still in the oven. I'm not sure, however, as I can't seem to remember.


I removed the meat from the oven, and was quite impressed by the appearance of the roast. I had assumed the gooseberry coating would all ooze off while it was cooking. Instead, it stayed in place, and had formed a crust over the top. It is now okay to taste the sauce you saved.


leg of lamb a la mongo

Leg of lamb a la mongo


Jesus: "Mongo, Dad is starting to get pissed. You better tell that stupid tapeworm joke soon."


Step 8: Finish Up And Eat It


perfect


Fry the asparagus in that frying pan that still has some butter-garlic mix in it. The moment they start turning brown, they are done. Heat up some mashed pototatoes. Since I still had some kumquats and tomatoes, I served them with the lamb, along with the green olives stuffed with pepper jack cheese. Don't forget to put a spoonful of magic sauce on each slice of lamb.


dinner is served

Eat it.


Final notes: I have been enjoying the tamarind, however I did not use it or serve it.


One last thing:

How can you tell if your girlfriend has a tapeworm?

When you kiss her, you'll feel two tongues.





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