A
DUCQUE’S EYE VIEW
How to Be Your Own Best Valentine
(By A, BB, the Krab, the Ducque, Etti, PB, SH, and TL)
February 11, 2004
The phases of singledom are many and varied including in no particular order Loneliness, Isolation, Anger, Rejection, and Self pity (LIARS); Tongue In Cheek Self mocking (TICS); Defiance Of Noah and the Eulogy of the number two Syndrome (DONES); Embracing Loverless Freedom’s Sweetness (ELFS); and, of course, Ready And Waiting to love again Stillness (RAWS). These acronyms were totally accidental.
A couple of Saturdays ago two other singles and I found ourselves in the TICS and DONES phases as we discussed what kind of column I should write for VD. We laughed so hard as we jotted down our ideas about how to be your own best valentine that we decided to do a “Global Thinking” number (Jan 5 column) and invite other friends to join the fun. Feel free to skip the philosophisizing and scroll down to the end of today’s column to read the results.
The first two responses received from the email solicitation were in a totally different vein. Both of them, from previously single women friends, responded with ELFS suggestions with compassion towards those who are in the LIARS stage. That got me to thinking about what it means to be single.
Like everything else in the world, acceptance of one’s single status is an individual process. Although most of us come into the world single, there is an expectation pretty early on that an adult “should” be part of a pair. Mostly by the time we are in mid life we have loved and lost at some point(s) in our past. In fact as I thought more, I realized the stages of being single again are not unlike the death and dying theories of Elizabeth Kubler-Ross.
I’m not narcissistic enough to compare the depth of my thinking to Kubler-Ross, but I have experienced bereavement, divorce, and ending a long term relationship. I know first hand that the loss of the partnership between lovers is as profound as the loss of a loved one to death. And I think the singlehood stages, even with my silly acronyms, are as poignant. As denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance come and go in death and bereavement, I believe LIARS, TICS, DONES, ELFS and RAWS come and go in the state of being single. You don’t necessarily experience every stage or in a particular order. But I’ve certainly felt them all, sometimes all in the course of a day. Once you’ve gone through a particular stage, it doesn’t preclude you from revisiting it.
LIARS is the primitive emotions you feel as you mourn past relationships and long to be in love again. It’s full of self blame, “why me’s” and cathartic tears. You alternate between wanting to do anything to get him (her) back to congratulating yourself on how you’re better off without the bastard (bitch.) No matter how independent you basically are, the part of you that defines itself in the context of another is screaming, “Foul!” The only consolation is that Valentine’s Day is on a Saturday this year, so you don’t have to spend an extra evening wondering what’s so wrong with you that you are spending yet another “date night” home alone. The only ways I know to get past LIARS are to love yourself and to connect with others who care about you. It is trite to write, but time is the best healer. Let self nurturing be your watchword.
You know you’re moving into the TICS phase when you can chuckle at the drama you created during LIARS. You start to ask yourself why you didn’t invest in Kleenex stock the day of your break up. Maybe you try Internet Dating (see December 14 “Confession” column.) Whatever it is that makes you giggle, you wake up one day and realize your sense of humor has returned. Laughter will set you free.
DONES occurred for me after about a year of wading in the dating pool. There were a few sharks and piranhas out there, but I cut them down with a few quacks. The slimy, boring fish are the worst. I would catch myself trying to read Bachelor #3’s watch upside down over dinner. As I was dancing cheek to cheek with Barboy #10 at 10:00, I wondered what was happening on that night’s Friends rerun. Even though I knew it already, I had a major “aha” awareness that “two” is not better than “one” if your date is not a good match for you. Dating never looked so bad. I realized I had more fun when I was alone or with friends.
ELFS is my favorite stage. You’re going to be single anyway; why not enjoy it? There is a certain sense of luxury in sleeping in the middle of your king sized bed. You can leave your dishes in the sink as long as you can stand it. You can get up on Sunday morning and do whatever suits your fancy without consulting anyone. Enjoy it while it lasts.
RAWS is the scariest place of all. I confess that after I first typed “Ready And Willing to love again” I had to search for an appropriate “S” to complete the acronym. When “Stillness” popped into my brain I realized I had found the perfect word for the hardest concept. I lived more than half of my life as half of a couple; and I liked being in a relationship more years than not. Yet I have no control over when or whether I’ll have that experience again. There are steps we can take in self examination and corrective personality action to become emotionally and spiritually ready to unite with another. But when it comes right down to it, you are who you are, as is he or she. Loving requires letting go of expectation and desperation AND acceptance of all that has made you, you, and them, them. Then there is no guarantee you will find a compatible partner who is at the same stage of readiness. The two of you must each be still within yourselves to be truly open to finding the other one.
Wherever you are in your process, please remember that all of these stages are normal. Feelings are inherently neutral. Whatever you feel at any given time is okay. Life has its lessons and we all have our own learning styles. Hopefully, some of the following “how to’s” will ring true for you:
1) Go for a walk on the beach --- whatever the weather. Hold your own hand.
2) Look at your baby photos and know that adorable child still lives within and that your parents will always view you as "that cute little one."
3) for Venusians: Wear something pretty and very baggy; feel super skinny for a day!
4) Go through all of your memorabilia to remind yourself that you have "touched" the lives of others and that you used to have a life.
5) Ask your closest friends what traits make you a wonderful person. Write these down and save them for reference when you’re feeling down in the dumps. Schedule daily readings if you’re feeling acutely LIARSy.
6) Plan a “comfort food” potluck.
7) for Venusians: Go through your lingerie drawer and discard anything that you've outgrown or haven't worn in a year.
8) Decide what to do with your empty dresser space.
9) For Martians: Prepare your body. Get out the toenail clippers and cut away. Trim your mustache. Put on the nose hole groomer and breathe easier. While you have the trimmer out, have at those ears, too. Better to hear sweet nothings if you get lucky. Shave your back.
10) Reorganize your "toy box." Shine ‘em up. Check for frayed cords.
11) Check all condoms and batteries for expiration dates. Throw out ones that are more than six months past expiration.
12) Buy new condoms and batteries.
13) Make truffles and eat them all yourself.
14) Send yourself flowers at work so that all of your co-workers will be jealous.
15) Fill the tub with bubbles and lavender aromatherapy oil...light some candles...put on some nice soothing music and soak.
16) Treat yourself to a day spa and/or full body massage.
17) Ask for what you want. Tell people what you want. Get what you want.
18) Buy a bottle of GasX or Beano and do your potential sweet love a huge favor. Stay away from beer sausages and chili for a day or two before you go out in public.
19) For Martians: Turn off the football game and put on some music.
20) Plan a retreat/escape weekend to wherever you want to go.
The Ducque is following her own advice and will be out of town Valentine’s weekend with no time to columnize. The Krab will be your bandon.tv guest columnist next week.
In addition to dining discussions and previous bandon.tv “A Ducque’s Eye View” columns, other references are from:
How to Be Your Own Best Friend by Bernard Berkowitz, Jean Owen, and Mildred Newman
On Death and Dying by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross
FENG SHUI DOs & TABOOs for LOVE by Angi Ma Wong
Finding True Love: The Four Essential Keys to Discovering the Love of Your Life by Daphne Rose Kingma
Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus by John Gray
Is Anything Truly Safe To Eat?
The Poem and the Prose
February 5, 2004
The Poem
No longer feeding my
id
Food groups into a pyramid
Sour, bitter, crunchy and
sweet,
Is anything really safe to
eat?
Dairy causes phlegm and fat
Yet calcium is where it’s
at.
Veggies, milk, bread and
meat
Is anything really safe to
eat?
Low fat is the way to go
Red meat is a big no-no
Eat beef; protein feels
great
Nightly steaks help you
lose weight.
We’ve got low carb, high
pro chow
Don’t ask, “what about mad
cow?”
Follow diets and then you
cheat
Is anything really safe to
eat?
Fruit and veggies are good
for you
Unless chemicals got them
too
Were your apples sprayed
with alar?
Preservatives in your
pickle jar?
Fertilizer and pesticide
You must know when you
decide
Before you buy corn by the
ear
Was there a genetic
engineer?
Good and bad cholesterol
Poison and palliative
alcohol
Veggies, milk, bread and
meat
Is anything really safe to
eat?
The Prose
My mom died in my early teens. Since I was the only kid left at home, and a girl at that, I became the cook of the house for a little over a year before my dad remarried. I learned a little about nutrition and the four food groups, but mostly I utilized my knowledge base by preparing meat, potatoes, canned vegetables, ice cream, cake and pop. I can still make a killer meatloaf, heavenly mashed potatoes and lightening cake. Comfort food at its best.
I entered the earth muffin stage of my nutritional development during the early 1970’s. Vegetarianism was more affordable as well as being more politically correct. Deaf Smith, Laurel Robertson and Frances Moore Lappe’ taught me about fresh produce, herbs and whole grains. I began to understand food in an environmental and global context, as well as from a nutritional standpoint. Meat was out. White sugar was poison. I still had a sweet tooth though. Thank God for Tab and Fresca.
The mid-1970’s was my first venture into dieting. Now I look back at our photos from then and I think we looked pretty darned good, but my girlfriends and I thought we were too fat. So we tried Scarsdale, Atkins, Weight Watchers and other diets that I can’t remember. Anorexia was our goal. Fortunately, we came from sturdy Okie stock and it didn’t take. I invented the OCD diet where you could eat anything you wanted, but you had to measure quantities and write down every bite ingested. Then you had to figure out the calories. I’m still not sure if this worked because of the embarrassment factor of entries such as “one fingerful of peanut butter from the jar” or because I hated math. However this sojourn taught us about calories, fats, carbohydrates, and protein.
My first serious study of nutrition was in 1981 when I found myself “with child” and I was determined to eat right for my developing fetus. I memorized the food pyramid for expectant and lactating mothers. I hated milk but I religiously had my five servings of dairy a day. I loved wine and found pregnancy a great excuse to have a glass with dinner. This was, of course, before fetal alcohol syndrome awareness legislated warning labels on alcoholic beverages.
By 1986 my hubbie and I had preschoolers aged two and four. We did our best to feed them properly. Our dietary staples were generic Cheerios and milk, fried eggs in a basket of buttered bread, apple juice, applesauce, grilled cheese sandwiches, carrots with Ranch dressing, celery sticks with peanut butter, spaghetti with hamburger sauce, and macaroni and cheese. Then out comes the news about cholesterol, Alar, and the propensity of peanuts to cause food allergies. At least we could still have dry cereal, carrots, celery and diet soda.
My family entered the 1990s on the low fat bandwagon. I was proud when my son complained that the 2% milk at school was too thick. I loved it when my daughter marveled at the oddness of the “brown chicken” served at her first steak bar-b-q. I bought corn oil margarine and read labels. “Lite” equaled good. I can prepare boneless, skinless chicken breasts 100 different ways. I have a world class collection of seafood menus. I felt with it and informed. Somewhere around 1995 was the last time I believed I knew anything whatsoever about nutrition. My daily Diet Coke was no longer guilt free.
You can see where this is going, can’t you? The contradictions have caught up with me. I feel completely confused about what IS truly safe to eat. Chicken is injected with hormones and antibiotics. One day everyone is eating lots of steak to lose weight on the new Atkins diet. The next we’re worried about the safety of our beef supply because of the discovery of mad cow disease in the United States. We learn in nutrition class alcohol is empty calories. Pregnant women shouldn’t drink because even a little can affect babies’ health. Then a health lecturer tells us drinking wine helps prevent heart disease and cancer. Sugar is bad for you. Aspartame causes liver damage; sugar is a safer and more natural sweetener. Chocolate causes pimples. Chocolate has endorphins that help alleviate depression. Water is an important cleansing agent. Watch out for lead and impurities in your water. Buy bottled water. Bottled water has the same chemistry as what you get out of your tap.
The new millennium has ushered in masses of information about the dangers in our food supply including genetic engineering, chicken flu, farmed salmon, unsanitary conditions in the slaughterhouse, mad cow disease, and petroleum product fertilizers. Any one of these topics has the making of a whole dissertation which is far beyond my scope. The data is coming in so fast and I don’t have a decade to process it. I don’t want to bite off more than I can chew by trying to tell anyone what they should or should not eat and drink. I’m just grateful I don’t have to make those decisions for small children anymore. I simply don’t have the answers.
I do think it’s important that as society moves further from the source of our food that individuals pose questions. We need to learn how to interpret labeling. If we don’t grow, gather, fish or hunt it ourselves we don’t know where it came from or how it came to be wrapped in pretty packages at Price and Pride. Maybe we don’t need to cite figures about the economics of agribusiness or the science of ranching, but we do need to know that these are real entities that influence what happens in food manufacturing. I think it’s worth looking up the definitions of the words that are used to produce our food.
We are what we eat.
Let the Sun Shine In
Don’t Let S.A.D.
Bring You Down
Rain IS nice weather for ducques. Like most Oregonians I pride myself on my ability to embrace gray skies and stand up to the wind. I actually scorn umbrellas and take walks in the rain. I adore big waves and wild weather. When the first coastal storm of the year blows in, I head to the ocean where I feel 100% alive. Then afterwards there is nothing like a roaring fire and the smell of soup simmering on the stove to make a house feel like home.
But did anyone else notice that when we had a few bright days in the last couple of weeks that other people were a little friendlier? Was it just me, or was there more activity? I know I saw a few more smiles and felt a less tension at work. After months of slumping around I summoned enough energy to play in the garden and clean house a little. As much as I hate to admit it, in January every year we have a mini epidemic as an estimated 25% - 50% of Oregonians’ holiday blues graduate into winter doldrums. A few of those have full blown cases of Seasonal Affective Disorder.
Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) is a very real depressive syndrome that affects between 10 and 11 million Americans and has its own paragraph in the DSM-IV (The American Psychiatric Association's diagnostic bible.) Symptoms of SAD include: 1) excessive eating and sleeping with weight gain during the fall or winter months 2) lack of energy that causes work and relationships to suffer 3) craving sugary and/or starchy foods 4) remission from depression during the spring and summer months and 5) these symptoms have occurred for at least the past two winters.
SAD is a debilitating kind of depression. It’s not that someone with SAD just feels a bit puny or out of sorts. Without treatment they can’t function anywhere near normally. If you think you might have SAD. I strongly encourage you to seek help from a medical professional. Treatments include light box therapy and antidepressant medication. 70% to 80% of SAD sufferers are women. The worst months are usually January and February. Higher latitudes have a higher incidence of SAD.
This
is not to say that all of our
neighbors have SAD. It is a matter of
degree and for every individual with a clinical case of SAD there are
many, many
more of us with some level of cyclic winter blues.
"While a person with winter doldrums may
have difficulty waking up or getting out of bed at times, someone with
seasonal
affective disorder can't get
to work on time," says Michael Terman, PhD, director of the Winter
Depression Program at New York Psychiatric Institute and
We all have to adjust to differing circadian (sleep cycle) rhythms, more melatonin (hormone that tells us to sleep) and less serotonin (brain chemical triggered by sunlight that fights depression) in the winter. Humans are animals and even coastal dwellers need light. But, in this millennium society doesn’t slow down, so most of us have to keep going at the same frantic pace. It takes extra effort to seek the sun this time of year. We are not bears and if we try to hibernate we end up more depressed.
Our active response to decreased light will directly affect our mood and minimize the depresion. Here are some suggestions from the experts and me that might help you survive another dark winter:
1) Get outside. Artificial indoor lighting really doesn’t help. Natural light, including gray clouds and liquid sunshine, is even superior to a $500 light box. Try to be outside for at least an hour, that’s right - 60 minutes, every day.
2) Wake up early. Force yourself to set the alarm before the sun rises. Drag yourself out of bed before sunrise, so you will be caffeinated in time to welcome, or at least notice, the sun. You don’t want to sleep through a single second of the precious light.
3)
Work around the light.
Don’t expect that it will still be there when you have scheduled
a
break. I can’t count the number of times
I was greeted by a dry morning and planned a lunch time walk only to
have it
begin raining at
4) If you can at all afford it, take a winter vacation or weekend trip, preferably to some place warm and sunny. Even if you end up at some other dark, coastal location the change in routine does wonders for your mental health.
5) Surround yourself with bright, sunny colors. If you’re not into native art, keep an orange on your desk for meditative purposes. Wear red shoes.
6) Eat lighter meals. This will help combat the weight gain and the heavy feeling that precludes you from getting out of bed.
7)
Keep connected with
others. Avoid the tendency always to
retreat to your
snug cocoon. If you spend too much time
at home alone your house becomes a cage.
Rent South Pacific or Bali Hai
and invite friends over for a
movie night. One winter a group of us
combined several of these tips and had a tropical island potluck in the
living
room. We ate fruit, teriyaki, pupus and
drank
pina coladas. A Hawaiian friend played
his ukulele. We couldn’t be in the
8)
Look inside your
individual stash of feel-good tricks and
do what you known will lift your spirits: bubble bath, music,
aromatherapy,
acupuncture, massage, yoga, journaling, exercise, candles, photography,
art,
whatever. Nurture yourself.
Finally,
remember this
too shall pass. The Spring Equinox is less that eight weeks away.
http://my.webmd.com/content/Article/79/96369.htm “Beating Winter’s Woe’s” by Sid Kirchheimer
http://www.mayoclinic.com/invoke.cfm?id=DS00195 “Seasonal Affective Disorder” by Mayo Clinic Staff
http://my.webmd.com/content/Article/79/96217.htm “Say Goodbye to the Winter Blues: Healthy Ways to Boost Your Spirits” by Carol Sorgen
Dreaming:
A Tribute To
Martin Luther King, Jr.
It
was the hottest part of a sweltering summer day shortly after my
eleventh
birthday. I was home alone lying on the
couch in our den, drinking a Coca Cola, dreaming about upcoming fifth
grade and
Elvis Presley, while re-reading a Madeline l’Engle book and listening
to
television. Even little girls know how
to multi-task.
A Negro appeared
on the screen, maybe the first one I’d ever really noticed on TV. I wasn’t a big fan of the news, just had been
too lazy that particular afternoon to get up.
Something about his voice commanded my attention.
I sat up, put the book down, and was
enraptured. I vaguely understood the
context of Martin Luther King Jr.’s March on
I was moved then
as I am today by Dr. King’s repetition of the phrase, “I have a dream….” “Free at last! Free at last! Thank God
Almighty we are free at last” is pounded into my brain.
In retrospect I believe that was the year I
began, sometimes at least, to think for myself and not always accept at
face
value the words of my father, my minister and my teachers.
By the time I was fifteen, when Dr. King was
assassinated, Daddy and I had had numerous heated discussions regarding
the
recent integration in our town’s junior high and high schools.
While I want to
honor Martin Luther King Jr. on this holiday when we celebrate his
birthday, freedom
from racism is not all that this column is about. My take home lessons
from
that 1963 speech are about visualization, passion and actively living
our
lives.
To envision change,
one must be able to dream about that change first.
This truth applies personally to such matters
as diet and health as well as politically in such issues as King’s
dream
of “that day when all of God's
children, black men and white men, Jews and Gentiles, Protestants and
Catholics, will be able to join hands.” King
was looking at 200,000 black and white women and men joined together as
he
delivered his speech on the steps of Lincoln Memorial.
Likewise, one must have the image of a
slimmer or cancer free body throughout the process of weight loss or
chemotherapy.
To embrace
change, one must be able to care passionately about that change. Whether this is talking to your friends about
your individual goals or expressing your thoughts on line about Bandon
cheese
and the Chief, if you don’t care enough to communicate, you will not be
a part
of directing change. The more fervent of
us will make a commitment and be action forces.
Martin Luther King, Jr. was the most eloquent orator I have ever
heard.
To enact change,
one must be able to do something to make change happen.
This is the hard part on both the personal
and global levels. How many exercise
programs start with gusto and lapse into oblivion?
How many lively conversations have you heard
over dinner that had no follow through the next day?
That’s what makes Martin Luther King, Jr.
such a role model for me. He lived, and
died, for his dream.
My wish for you,
and me, as we celebrate another obscure Monday holiday, is that we each
find a
way to live our own dreams just a little every day.
Be it saying no to dessert, writing a letter
to a public official or picketing the courthouse may we all find the
inner
fortitude to follow our dreams.
"I Have A Dream"
by Martin Luther King, Jr,
Delivered on the steps
at
the Lincoln Memorial in
One
hundred years later, the life of the
Negro is still sadly crippled by the manacles of segregation and the
chains of
discrimination. One hundred years later, the Negro lives on a lonely
island of
poverty in the midst of a vast ocean of material prosperity. One
hundred years
later, the Negro is still languishing in the corners of American
society and
finds himself an exile in his own land.
So we
have come here today to dramatize an
appalling condition. In a sense we have come to our nation's capital to
cash a
check. When the architects of our republic wrote the magnificent words
of the
Constitution and the Declaration of Independence, they were signing a
promissory note to which every American was to fall heir.
This
note was a promise that all men would
be guaranteed the inalienable rights of life, liberty, and the pursuit
of
happiness. It is obvious today that
So we
have come to cash this check -- a
check that will give us upon demand the riches of freedom and the
security of
justice. We have also come to this hallowed spot to remind
It
would be fatal for the nation to
overlook the urgency of the moment and to underestimate the
determination of
the Negro. This sweltering summer of the Negro's legitimate discontent
will not
pass until there is an invigorating autumn of freedom and equality.
Nineteen
sixty-three is not an end, but a beginning. Those who hope that the
Negro
needed to blow off steam and will now be content will have a rude
awakening if
the nation returns to business as usual. There will be neither rest nor
tranquility in
The
whirlwinds of revolt will continue to
shake the foundations of our nation until the bright day of justice
emerges.
But there is something that I must say to my people who stand on the
warm
threshold which leads into the palace of justice. In the process of
gaining our
rightful place we must not be guilty of wrongful deeds. Let us not seek
to
satisfy our thirst for freedom by drinking from the cup of bitterness
and
hatred.
We
must forever conduct our struggle on
the high plane of dignity and discipline. We must not allow our
creative
protest to degenerate into physical violence. Again and again we must
rise to
the majestic heights of meeting physical force with soul force.
The
marvelous new militancy which has
engulfed the Negro community must not lead us to distrust of all white
people,
for many of our white brothers, as evidenced by their presence here
today, have
come to realize that their destiny is tied up with our destiny and
their
freedom is inextricably bound to our freedom.
We
cannot walk alone. And as we walk, we
must make the pledge that we shall march ahead. We cannot turn back.
There are
those who are asking the devotees of civil rights, "When will you be
satisfied?" we can never be satisfied as long as our bodies, heavy with
the fatigue of travel, cannot gain lodging in the motels of the
highways and
the hotels of the cities. We cannot be satisfied as long as the Negro's
basic
mobility is from a smaller ghetto to a larger one. We can never be
satisfied as
long as a Negro in
I am
not unmindful that some of you have
come here out of great trials and tribulations. Some of you have come
fresh
from narrow cells. Some of you have come from areas where your quest
for
freedom left you battered by the storms of persecution and staggered by
the
winds of police brutality. You have been the veterans of creative
suffering.
Continue to work with the faith that unearned suffering is redemptive.
Go
back to Mississippi, go back to
Alabama, go back to Georgia, go back to Louisiana, go back to the slums
and
ghettos of our northern cities, knowing that somehow this situation can
and
will be changed. Let us not wallow in the valley of despair. I say to
you
today, my friends, that in spite of the difficulties and frustrations
of the
moment, I still have a dream. It is a dream deeply rooted in the
American
dream.
I have
a dream that one day this nation
will rise up and live out the true meaning of its creed: "We hold these
truths to be self-evident: that all men are created equal." I have a
dream
that one day on the red hills of
I have
a dream that one day the state of
Alabama, whose governor's lips are presently dripping with the words of
interposition and nullification, will be transformed into a situation
where
little black boys and black girls will be able to join hands with
little white
boys and white girls and walk together as sisters and brothers. I have
a dream
today. I have a dream that one day every valley shall be exalted, every
hill
and mountain shall be made low, the rough places will be made plain,
and the
crooked places will be made straight, and the glory of the Lord shall
be
revealed, and all flesh shall see it together. This is our hope. This
is the
faith with which I return to the South. With this faith we will be able
to hew
out of the mountain of despair a stone of hope. With this faith we will
be able
to transform the jangling discords of our nation into a beautiful
symphony of
brotherhood. With this faith we will be able to work together, to pray
together, to struggle together, to go to jail together, to stand up for
freedom
together, knowing that we will be free one day.
This
will be the day when all of God's
children will be able to sing with a new meaning, "My country, 'tis of
thee, sweet land of liberty, of thee I sing. Land where my fathers
died, land
of the pilgrim's pride, from every mountainside, let freedom ring." And
if
When
we let freedom ring, when we let it
ring from every village and every hamlet, from every state and every
city, we
will be able to speed up that day when all of God's children, black men
and
white men, Jews and Gentiles, Protestants and Catholics, will be able
to join
hands and sing in the words of the old Negro spiritual, "Free at last!
Free
at last! Thank God Almighty, we are free at last!"
Commodities
and the Lone Wolf Co-Op:
Cooking Creatively and Cheaply
including
the non-recipes
When I was going to college in the early 1970’s I lived in a big sprawling house with four other paying tenants and a countless number of visitors. My roommates and I all came from working class families and, with a little help from student loans and work study, were paying our own way through school. We were the epitome of “starving students.”
This was before food stamps, but we all qualified for commodities. For those of you who haven’t had the pleasure, that is big blocks of cheese, sacks of rice and canned chicken that the government gave us. None of us had a car. A trip to the grocery store meant talking one of our wealthier friends into driving or caravanning to Safeway on our bicycles.
Our other chief food source was an organization called the Lone Wolf Co-op. Every week we pooled our pennies and paid $6 for two BIG boxes of produce for the house. The way the Co-op worked is buyers went to the Farmer’s Market, bought what was fresh and cheap, and divided the bounty amongst the members. We never knew what kind, or how many, fruits and veggies we would get.
Thus was born Rice, er, Stuff, the ubiquitous staple of my college years. We made a big pot of rice, steamed the veggies du jour, and experimented with sauces and spices to pull it all together. We threw in some meat if we could afford it and weren’t expecting any vegetarians to visit. Enough cheese on top, baked at 350 until melted made the more dubious of our casserole concoctions taste good. Making Rice S. taught us a lot of basics in food preparation. (Some of these lessons and non-recipes are in an appendix at the end of the column.)
It was under these conditions that my friends and I taught ourselves, and later our children, how to cook. We learned how to make large quantities of cheap, fairly healthy and usually tasty food. We prepared meals with what was on hand and/or on sale. No one had ever heard of “pasta” back then, but we designed the best dressed spaghetti and macaroni dishes our sleepy university town had ever seen. Our soups and chili were to die for. Salad or pizza was a meal in itself with each of the basic food groups represented. But best of all, was the daily feasting we shared at our large table. I think it was a door on orange crates. Food and friends were highlights of college for me.
The main thing we had going for us in our quest for cooking knowledge was none of us had ever heard of anorexia either. We loved to eat. None of us had many preconceived notions about how to cook “from scratch.” We read recipes, but mostly to get a sense of proportion and an idea of what kinds of ingredients went into which kinds of dishes. We shared what we learned, both the successes and the mistakes.
The following are some of the principles we developed. Thirty years later, cooking for one, they still work for me. I freeze the leftovers so I don’t have to cook as often. Plus I like having food on hand when people drop in. Food and friends are still the spice of my life. Food is always best when shared.
1) Recipes are guidelines, not rules.
2) Buy what’s on sale now; you can figure out how to fix it later.
3) When you have the money and the transportation pick up something new and interesting looking that you’ve never tried before.
4) Buy lots of different kinds spices in small quantities from the bulk food section of the store. Or better yet, plant your own herb garden.
5) Keep a supply of your favorite staples on hand so you can cook whenever the urge hits without a trip to the store.
6) When you’re making dinner for company always sauté onions and garlic, or bake something with apples and cinnamon. Your guests will love the meal based on smell alone before they even taste it.
7) Limit the number of ingredients you use, so you can pick out the individual flavors.
8) When wine isn’t drinkable, it will still taste good in spaghetti sauce (red) or soup (white.)
9) Freely use more seasoning than the recipe calls for, but don’t increase the alcohol. Taste as you go. (I had to repeat that lesson before I got it, once with rum frosting and then again with brandied pork chops). You can always add more, but you can’t take away.
10) Don’t worry about mistakes. Someone is probably hungry or polite enough to eat the evidence. If not, it was still cheaper than going out. Toss it. You will do better next time.
The
art of substitution of
ingredients deserves its own paragraph.
To imagine what will taste good in a particular dish, you must
learn to
listen to your tongue and set your imagination free.
Close your eyes and fantasize how different
flavors will mingle. As in love, some of
the most unlikely combinations are sensational.
No one believes me the first time I tell them, but the reason my
spaghetti sauce tastes so good is that I add a dollop of peanut butter
and a
couple of apples. 19-year-old Elizabeth
Porter has revealed exclusively for bandon.tv: The secret ingredients
in the
chili with which she’s been tantalizing her friends and family for the
past ten
years are mint and molasses©.
***
Cooking Creatively and Cheaply
Some Non-Recipes To Get Your Juices Flowing
(The Appendix)
The one exception to my scorning of recipes is in baking. There is some chemistry involved in making things rise, so it’s a good idea to play it safe and use the same proportions of yeast, baking powder or soda, and egg whites to solids and liquids for which the recipe calls. With that in mind, you can then get creative. Milk instead of water makes bread richer. Fruit juice makes muffins sweeter. You can substitute different kinds of flours for part of the allotment of dried ingredients. Where would Krispy Kremes be if they didn’t use potato flour in their donuts? You can add nuts, flavored chips or fruit to cookies and muffins. When I bake bread I often add cheese, herbs and different kinds of spice.
Homemade pizza crust can be made from half of a bread dough recipe if you skip the second rising. Squoosh the crust down in the pan and bake it for a few minutes before you add anything. Spread tomato, white, or pesto sauce on the partially cooked crust. Decorate with your favorite toppings. Sprinkle a little cheese on top. Bake on a cookie sheet in a hot oven until it smells and looks right; and you will have the personalized pie of your dreams.
Salad is more than iceberg lettuce and sliced tomato. Experiment with different greens. Add pears, apples or dried cranberries. Nuts and sliced jicama give salads crunch. Avocado, artichokes and/or heart of palm provide salad with a touch of class. Sprinkle in herbs for character. Throw in some leftover meat or hard boiled egg for protein. Rice, bulgur and macaroni give it texture. There are a bazillion dressings out there to pull it all together. Try different flavored vinegars and use light oils if you’re making your own.
Another of our college lessons: Gravies, sauces and soups are all based upon the same idea. You start with a hot fat (one of a multitude of oils, butter or margarine); sauté some onions with seasoning and some other vegetables for flavor (garlic, ginger, peppers, mushrooms, celery); slowly stir in a thickening agent (flour, arrowroot, cornstarch or canned cream of soup.) If you’re making soup you add as much or as little liquid as you fancy. The basis of a good soup is a good stock. We didn’t know that then, so we made do with bouillon cubes, dried milk and canned tomatoes. Our repertoire has expanded greatly since then.
When I make “refrigerator soup” today, I have learned to save water from steaming veggies which I then use to boil chicken carcasses and/or vegetable scraps to make a rich stock. I add a spoonful of “Better Than Bouillon” to the hot stock, use up what veggies & meat I find in the frig, and it’s soup. Sometimes I add rice, noodles, beans or barley for texture.
I asked a friend who knows how to cook without recipes how she made carrot soup. She replied with this email: “I steamed carrots, parsnips & one small sweet potato. Sautéed some onion with tarragon & cilantro...then with soy milk gradually blended it all...also thru in some ginger, salt and a few other spices...yummmy. I don't put in a lot of liquid so it's nice and thick.”
I
translated her ideas into my own
personal Saturday night dinner. Tarragon
didn’t sound good to me and I don’t use salt so I omitted them. My blender is broken, so I left it
chunky. I used crushed garlic and dried
peppers
from the garden, substituted non-fat half and half for soy milk and
voila, a
gourmet meal.
Another
easy winter soup courtesy
of a
I
adore ethnic foods but
Thai: lite coconut milk, fresh basil, chili paste, peanut butter, fish oil, lemon grass
Indian: garam masala, curry powder, chutney, raisins, fresh limes
Chinese: soy sauce, rice vinegar, hot chili sesame oil, green onions, water chestnuts, chow mein noodles, bok choy
Italian: sun dried tomatoes, garden herbs, wine, quality olives, fresh parmesan cheese and artichoke bottoms
Greek: calamata olives, feta cheese, eggplant, ground lamb
After living on the coast all these years, I have finally learned to cook seafood. The two rules for fish are 1) the fresher the better…make friends with a fisherman… and 2) less is more. Don’t cook seafood too long and use a minimum of additional flavoring. A little lemon pepper is all most fresh fish needs. However, if you eat a lot of seafood and want to vary the flavor or impress someone special feel free to add a little pizzazz. Some of my favorite special combinations include halibut baked with orange juice and sesame oil, salmon grilled with raspberry chipotle sauce, and striped bass breaded lightly in egg and Italian flavored bread crumbs. Every summer I buy a tuna from the docks as soon as the fishermen come in. Tuna tastes great with teriyaki sauce, or lemon and herbs, or in salad on sandwiches. Can some and you can have the real deal all year long.
The
list goes on and on. If you can eat it,
you can cook it. Food is sensual. Food is art.
Food is nurturing. Mindful eating and cooking involve being
aware of
what we put in our bodies, and appreciating the quality of the source. Enjoy.
Global
Thinking
Ask not what your
planet can do for you,
but what you can
do for your planet…
…challenge others
to do the same
It’s
almost obligatory that the first
column of a new year acknowledge the passing of time in a philosophical
and/or
funny way. Being fairly new at this
columnizing stuff, I believe I should respect that unwritten rule. Unfortunately I can’t share my typical New
Year’s Resolutions because I’ve already broken them.
Plus I used up most of my mental energy the
past few days trying to stay warm while my house was without
electricity.
Lucky
for me I have wise friends to think up column
ideas and contribute material for them.
Thanks PB for the idea that I write a column about the ten
resolutions
we wish others would make. Thanks PB,
Karen,
But
before we get to the resolutions, here is a note
on my thoughts about global thinking:
The longer I live, the more I must sadly acknowledge; it is not
all
about me. My actions, or non-actions,
have an effect on others. My words have
the capacity to influence, injure, encourage, promote, silence or
stimulate
others. And so do yours.
Of course our power is more palpable in
dealings with those who are emotionally and geographically closer to us
than it
is towards those on the other side of the planet. Nevertheless
things have a way of snowballing
in this universe. The kindness and/or
abuse we demonstrate in the way we raise our children will trickle down
through
the generations. The respect and the
dignity, or lack thereof, in the way we care for our elders will return
to us
someday. The more loving and thoughtful
we are, the better our world is. Our
greed and destruction also impacts in another direction.
Global
thinking is about service towards others, our
community and our world. I honestly
believe
that when we reduce, reuse and recycle our actions have a rippling
global
effect. Oregonians have long had global
vision as evidenced by our bottle return and beach access laws. So, today as I personally resolve anew to try
to think and act a bit more globally in 2004 I wish...
1) That when the Board of the Oregon Department of Public Safety and
Training
meets this month it will think globally and resolve to
overturn the recommendation of the Police Policy Committee and allow
Bandon Police Chief Bob McBride to keep his certification.
2) That Kathy Holstad, marketing director of Bandon
Cheese Inc in Tillamook(???), would
think globally and resolve to give back the name Bandon to the
people and
businesses of Bandon.
3) That the
Port of Coos Bay would
think globally, look to the
4) That the
Cities of North Bend and
5) That
6) That the
USDA would think
globally and resolve to act aggressively to follow all World Health
Organization recommendations to protect our beef supply in order that
ranchers could
stop encouraging cannibalism among their
herds.
7) That
fashion designers would
think globally and resolve to accept the
real (global) shape of women-breasts AND hips and
design accordingly.
8) That
smokers would think
globally and resolve not to smoke at the
entrances of public buildings.
9) That
people would think
globally and resolve not to wear strong
scents in confined or crowded places like elevators, restaurants and
airplanes.
10) That
President Bush would think globally and resolve to realize
that American policy should honor differences among the many countries
and
cultures on this planet and to respect
those peoples, governments and ideologies.
Amen.
Whatever your resolutions or political beliefs may be, The Ducque and Friends wish you all Peace and Joy in 2004.
Happy New Year!